Sitting on my thumbs

All my personal statements are done. I’m sitting on my thumbs, too afraid to hit “submit” on those last couple of applications. I know I’ll be submitting the applications. I know deadlines are soon. Something inside of me holds me back from completing stage one.

I identify as a recovering perfectionist. Before university, I beat myself up if I ever received anything less than an A in a course. Realizing how unhealthy this was, I’ve done my best to amend my ways as a university student, still reaching for high goals but allowing myself the space to be human and make errors. Even with all my personal progress letting go of perfection, I sense my inner perfectionist already preparing for the possibility of a negative admission outcome once January and February roll around.

I fear rejection.

This rejection would feel more personal, though. I’ve poured my struggles, identity, and passions into these applications. Exposing myself like this makes me feel vulnerable—if I’m rejected from a program, does that mean my deepest desires and most personal experiences don’t measure up?

I’m confident that I’m a competitive candidate. I’m not worried about that. What I am worried about is feeling invalidated once decisions come through.

I won’t know anything if I don’t try, though.

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